I am always happy or am I truly happy?
Am I happy just because of others or for myself?
Am I masking myself as a happy person so that people will like me more?
Why can't I just be a more selfish person and care less about other people feeling?
Why do I always have to act as if I would not be hurt by other people action and comment?
Now I stand by myself and realise that nobody is by my side, neither family nor friends.
Nobody bother about me and I can't help but think that I am a insignificant existence in the world that nobody will even notice if I am gone.
I have tried to express my need for help by reaching out to my closest people, but nobody in this world understand what I am going through right now. They think that I am just like my usual self, happy go lucky and nothing will happen even if they are too busy to bother about me. They just assumed that I will just pull it through by myself but this time round even I am not sure of myself. At this moment, I know I not suicidal but I am not sure about next.Maybe I am just a nuisance to them, I see myself alone in this world, in my own circle calling out for help but there are no answer. Neither from friends, family nor even god.
I am in deep shit this time round because I know that something is wrong with me, I can see myself falling into a deep depression mode, I can't stop myself wallowing in self pitiness. I have nothing in this world that I am looking forward to, I am just pretending to be happy in front of everyone so that I would not dampen their mood. Even right now, I am trying to be a nice person afraid to take up any one's time to tell them that I in a very bad emotional state now.
I am so tired and sick of myself, my life and everything around me, I just want to go away from everyone I know even my family, just give them up and go somewhere else where nobody knows me and lead a entirely new life. I don't want to care about what people think of me anymore, I don't want to live up to their expectation as to who they want me to be.
I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!!! WHY IS IT SO HARD???!!!
Why can't I lead a carefree life, free from other people's expectation and desire. Why do I have to sacrifice my own happiness to let other people happy.
Don't even try to act as if you guys care, because I know deep down in my heart, you don't care about me. You are only trying to act as if you care but only you know the truth, the truth is that everyone is selfish and your caring for me is nothing but a self satisfaction for yourself. Friends are the biggest joke in the world, family are the biggest burden in the world. Because at the end of my days, I would be the only one lying in my coffin, with no one by my side. All the tears shed are just for show, nobody really care if someone is missing from their lives, they just move on and continue with their lives. It is just so common and normal for people to do that, humans are 100% selfish beings who care about nothing but themselves.
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2 comments:
Hey QL,
I know that critisms, especially those that'r actually personal attacks, hurt like hell.. and from what I can get over the phone, you'r feeling angry, hurt, and betrayed by the people around you. And loneliness...
I can't do much, I have to admit that... And I can't say that I'll be there everytime you need me, but I'll try :) and you are a very important person to me ok?
Just remember that you'r not alone in this world! And those words that hurt you, will one day be reflected back to those who said them (Believe in KARMA!)! Despite what they said, you are still you, and you must believe that there is a reason for being who you are, and for your existence.
It's YOUR LIFE! You have a long journey ahead of you, and it just happens that you just fall into a stinky pit (maybe for the past few months).
You can crawl out, you HAVE TO. Looking back, you survived thru Secondary school days bullying, office politics, and have the courage to go, alone, to another country in pursuit of your goal.
You've got back on your feet before, and you'll now too. Cut yourself some slack by being yourself.. To hell what ppl think and expect, as long as you'r comfortable with yourself!
You've done well over there, trying you best to build bridges with ppl.. maybe it's time to relax a bit by building walls around you?
I Like this quote“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
--- Theodore Roosevelt (American 26th US President (1901-09), 1858-1919)
I'm not new to the feeling of lost, loneliness, and despair. It was you who threw me a lifeline then, by coming over. THANK YOU!
"To be an adult is to be alone (Jean Rostand)", and you'll have to depend on yourself to pick up the pieces of shattered expectations/hopes/dreams. I'll be here cheering you on, albeit quietly.
"Man's loneliness is but his fear of life (Eugene O'neill)", so we'll LIVE life instead :D Grit you teeth and accept your situation as it is now? I'm sorry for not being there, so vent and dump out the negative emotions and thoughts on your blog, call me, find motivational quotes/jokes and eventually, move on.
Remember that one of your goal in life is to earn money to eat all the nice food in the world?
You can be a successful person, and like what David Brinkley says, "A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her."
Or, be like me ;)
"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
--- Elbert Hubbard
Always remember, your family loves you in times of crisis and when life looks overwhelming and depressing.
P.S. I'm hogging the house's phone today, so call me when you need a listening ear if you'r fine with only single-word responses... or call singapore's SOS helpline 1800-2214444.
Thanks you very much for your support when I am at lowest point in my life up till now. Your word has put some hope in my and would definitely help me to stand up on my feet again.
I love you so much and for your encouragement, i did laugh when u remind me of my forgotten goal.
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