Why love never last?

I was reading my old blog post a couple of days before and I started to have some thoughts about all the stuffs I wrote last year especially when I was being very emotional (refer especially to this particular post "Festive season = good news =love in the air???").

A lot of things have changed in the couple of months that had passed since I wrote that article. What is more irony is that most of the couples that I have mentioned in the post had separated and became single again. What shocked me the most is that even friends that had been together for quite some years had broken up too...

This makes me actually wonder about a lot of things in life. I have been given comments by some friends around me saying that I am been too idealistic in my thinking with regards to love relationship between couples. Well, I have to admit that they were right sometime, coz in a relationship it depend on both hands to clap. It would have never work out if one of the party does not want to be involve in it. Well, when more than one person is involved in anything, the situation become complicated coz human "heart" is the hardest thing to predict. It always changes from time to time.

Despite all the comments from my friends, being a typical sagi ( pretty much that is my excuse :p)I still can't help but to think why love never last even when it happened on friends that you have least expected. It take two person to get together but it takes one to destroy the relationship.

I often wonder that if love can be visualize and quantify like any other things in a scientific way would things still happened the way they did? Well, obviously this question could not be answered since it would never happened. Perhaps, as I am who I am, despite knowing the limitations and restrictions in life, I would still constantly challenge the impossible ( in term of ideology and perspective ) and question those surrounding me. This is not because that I don't know the obvious answer but that sometime there is more to a certain thing then the obvious answer. I understand that this would be a life long debate, however I do hoped that it would be a interesting one.

Don't be surprise that as you are reading this article, you realize that it had not been structure well enough because this is the true (real time) thoughts that are going through my brains now. My brain is just very impromptu and spontaneous :p as usual to whoever that really know me.

I guess I would still be stuck with this question for a fair bit of time from now, so I should continue with my deep thoughts and exit from my blog... hehe...

虚无飘渺的爱情

不解，为何曾经如此相爱的两人说断就断
不解，为何当初爱上对方的理由成为了如今分手的原因
不解，为何彼此心中那道跨不过的横沟竟然比几千公里的距离还要远
不解，曾经一起走过风风雨雨，依赖彼此的背膀的两人，如今却彼此伤害
不解，当初承诺给对方的幸福为何就像过眼云烟一样仿佛从来没说过
不解，既然要分手为何还要相爱

爱情，就像一阵风说来就来说走就走，从来不会停留在一个地方太久
爱情，看不到也捉不到，但世人往往为了得到它付出了许多代价
爱情，就像是裹着毒药的糖果，让人明知吃了轻则"中毒"，重则"死亡"还是对它趋之若鹜
爱情，真的能说断就断吗？

如果真的深爱着彼此为何又能不爱了呢？
是不是因为并没有想象中那么爱？
还是爱自己比爱对方多，那又何苦给对方希望又把她推入痛苦的深渊呢？
当你在指责对方没有那么爱你时又是以什么样的准则来下判断的呢？
你可曾经想过既然在一起过又怎么可能不爱你呢？
或许她只是不懂的表达而以，又或许她的表达方式并不如常人一般？

你或许能以千种理由来辩解分手的原因但原因只有一个，就是不爱了...
当你嘴里说着你们是那么的不适合彼此，我在你的眼里看到了你不愿承认的理由...
只是短短数十天的分离，我却从你的眼中看到了另一个人的倒影...
或许你们真的不适合彼此，但分手却是因为你的心里已经有了另一个人...

当她深夜怀着苦涩的心情，鼓起勇气联络我，向我问明一些事，我从电话的另一端听到她强忍泪水的声音...
她哀求着我不要让你知道她打了这一通电话，她哽咽的声音让我不知该如何安慰她，只因有今天的结果，我或多或少也有份造成如今的局面...
我并不是在这里评断谁对谁错，毕竟爱情并没有对错，不爱了就是不爱了，爱上了就是爱上了...
但或许你能够对她诚实一点也对自己诚实一点，坦白你是遇到了另一段爱情故事的开端所以才为彼此的爱情写下句号...


如果世上真的有"忘情水"那该有多好啊！！！

在此宣誓

我为人随和不代表我没脾气!!!

我为人处处谦让不代表我是错而你是对的!!!

我不跟你计较并不代表你可以践踏我的自尊心!!!

我会有以上的待人处事方法只因我把你当朋友!!!

但当你踩过了朋友的那条界线也就是我们的友谊结束的时候!!!

到那时我绝对会轻挥着我的手，潇洒的对你说声：“拜拜，希望我们永远不要再见了!!!"

我也绝对不会后悔做出这个决定，只因当你把我的自尊心踩在你脚下时我已心死。。。

此刻你在我心中已比路人甲还不如，只是隐形的存在，在我心中毫无分量。。。

曾经的我们

与专科的朋友在夜里通话，说起当时的我们，不免感叹我们改变真多。。。

先不论好与坏，在成长与蜕变的过程中，以往的纯真似乎也跟着消失了。。。

我们再也回不到过去的自己，当时心怀的梦想也因为长大了而渐渐遗忘。。。

纵然知道那是件多可悲的事但现实生活的压力早已把那仅存的梦埋藏在心底的最深处，遗忘在某一个角落，期待能有实现的一天。。。

我已渐渐有能力实现梦想但我再也已不是当时那个傻傻，想法幼稚但天真可爱的小女孩。。。似乎有些东西已不一样了。。。

心里总有种说不上来的感觉。。。

总觉得当时的自己虽然没有物质上的享受但心里却很满足。。。

反观现在的自己总希望从朋友那里得到些什么来填补心里的空虚，寂寞与不安。。。

多希望能找回失去的纯真但那是不可能的了。。。

因为那已不是属于我的专利了。。。

From the past to the present

I often wonder what make me who I am today, for the better or for the worst...

I realised that everything in the past shape me for who I am now, but there are a few important transition point that had a huge impact on me that create the present me.

To name a few:

I met my best friend in my secondary school days along with one good friend as well. They been through alot with me and the bond between us could not be describe by mere words. They have been by my side for better or for worst, regardless of the situation although there are ups and downs along the way. However, it is precisely the ups and downs that strengthen our bonds and leads us down the life journey and we still remain the same as it was 10 years ago. When I looked back, i couldn't imagine how my life would be without them.

My poly days could be describe as a disaster, outcast, boycott, isolated would be the right word to describe my status in the school. Just when I thought that I have found a good friend there, I got backstab by her (or maybe that is just how I see it), I started to lost hope in friendship and along the way a part of me was lost forever as well.

I was lucky thou, in my first full time job, I met another important person who would shape alot of my idealogy in life and society. I would never be the same person I am today without her. She taught me alot of stuff with regard to my job and most importantly how to survive out there in the world. She might be nagging, angry and pull a black face at me but I realised that it is because she cares about me.

Throughout my life till now, I realised that as people grow, they tend to care less and lesser, simply because trust and bonding between people had changed, we could no longer be as simple as we are in the past. Reality, desire, lust, greed and alot of inner emotions had forced us to become more selfish and self centered. All the actions that we have done is simply to achieve our final goal and in the process it might mean making use of each other, putting other people down. But what she had done for me could not be describe by words, she taught me to grow up and look at the world from other views. She taught me the ways to protect myself when I am out there in the cruel and judgemental world. Maybe it might not be sufficient for me since I still feel hurt by the reality sometimes but she is the one that prepare me mentally. I might have fallen down but what she taught me encourage me to stand up again to face the world and given me the courage to move on.

The more recent person that I think have changed me for who I am now is a friend of a friend. All the time that I chat with him, I would always think to myself: "That is something that has never ever cross my mind." Looking back for the past 2 months that I have spend with him, I realised that his words regardless of good or bad give me another opportunity to examine the way that I want to live my life. His words often enlighten me in a way that I did not expect, it often set me into thinking more and more about life, about of alot of other stuff as well. He also help me made up a decision that I think would changed my life forever. Maybe it is fate or destiny, that problem had troubled me for months, I have seek numerous advice from alot of my friends but none could push me to make up my mind as he did. All I could say is that for better or for worst, no matter where my decision leads me to, I would have no regret making this decision for I have live the life that my heart desire.

I am grateful up till now to be able to meet all these people in my life, if there is really a unknown force that push these people to meet me, I would give a million thanks to whoever or whatever that is behind it. I can't write it out in words to stress the importance and significance that these people had in my life. Don't be upset too my friends if I did not mention you in these entry as all of you matter as much to me as the people before.

I love all of you my friends and do take care so that it would come one day where we could sit down and chat and simply being our true self.

海绵芒果慕司蛋糕

我已经慢慢的从我对他的眷念中走出来。但直到了今天我才发现，我就像海绵蛋糕而他就像芒果慕司，吃起来才发现是那么的不协调。

那不协调感来自于我们对事情有截然不同的看法，想法与做法。就像网上有千百种海绵芒果慕司蛋糕的食谱，各花入各眼一样，并不是所有的食谱都是自己喜欢的，也不是所有的海绵蛋糕食谱就能与任何芒果慕司配搭的。。。

简单的道理往往都是最难领悟的。。。

缘分

缘分缘分，既然有缘遇见了又为何不能。。。

有缘无分只是徒增世上伤心的人罢了。。。

真是天意弄人啊！！！

Summary of 2009

As 2009 came to an end, it is time to summarise what have been done in that year and have a proper closure to it. With the start of a brand new day in 2010, I can't help but hope that this would be a smooth and good year for me.

My 2009 life chapter had ended with a first class honours, graduation=jobless, closure of my love life (no one in my life yet), clueless about how I want my life to be etc...

However, a new chapter has begun for my 2010 life chapter as well, I am no longer bother with my love life even though I am still searching for one but I believe that what is mean to be will be. I have moved on to shift my focus more on finding a job and keeping one if I find it. This would be the year that I wanted to be more true to myself and care less about what other people think of me. I will like to start everything afresh from today onwards, moving closer to my goals step by step, I know that the path would not be smooth going but I shall be determined and perseverance towards my goals.

My famous quote...

Failure or success belong to yesterday, today is the time to start afresh.

Cheers to the brilliant me who come up with the brilliant sentence.

人生新的里程碑

我纵然失败了但我能大声的对自己说：“时间能够带过一切，好与坏，喜与悲。这都是人生重要的里程碑。”

我超越了昨天的自己，在此我骄傲的向大家说：“我失败了但我的人生并没有留下遗憾与后悔，我的人生中又少了一个如果，那是一个多少人都做不到的啊！！！”

当多年过去，只怕回首时，脸上会挂着微笑，笑看当年年少轻狂时的自己，一切都是那么的微不足道啊。。。

Soul searching and depression mode

I am always happy or am I truly happy?
Am I happy just because of others or for myself?
Am I masking myself as a happy person so that people will like me more?
Why can't I just be a more selfish person and care less about other people feeling?
Why do I always have to act as if I would not be hurt by other people action and comment?

Now I stand by myself and realise that nobody is by my side, neither family nor friends.
Nobody bother about me and I can't help but think that I am a insignificant existence in the world that nobody will even notice if I am gone.

I have tried to express my need for help by reaching out to my closest people, but nobody in this world understand what I am going through right now. They think that I am just like my usual self, happy go lucky and nothing will happen even if they are too busy to bother about me. They just assumed that I will just pull it through by myself but this time round even I am not sure of myself. At this moment, I know I not suicidal but I am not sure about next.Maybe I am just a nuisance to them, I see myself alone in this world, in my own circle calling out for help but there are no answer. Neither from friends, family nor even god.

I am in deep shit this time round because I know that something is wrong with me, I can see myself falling into a deep depression mode, I can't stop myself wallowing in self pitiness. I have nothing in this world that I am looking forward to, I am just pretending to be happy in front of everyone so that I would not dampen their mood. Even right now, I am trying to be a nice person afraid to take up any one's time to tell them that I in a very bad emotional state now.

I am so tired and sick of myself, my life and everything around me, I just want to go away from everyone I know even my family, just give them up and go somewhere else where nobody knows me and lead a entirely new life. I don't want to care about what people think of me anymore, I don't want to live up to their expectation as to who they want me to be.

I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!!! WHY IS IT SO HARD???!!!

Why can't I lead a carefree life, free from other people's expectation and desire. Why do I have to sacrifice my own happiness to let other people happy.

Don't even try to act as if you guys care, because I know deep down in my heart, you don't care about me. You are only trying to act as if you care but only you know the truth, the truth is that everyone is selfish and your caring for me is nothing but a self satisfaction for yourself. Friends are the biggest joke in the world, family are the biggest burden in the world. Because at the end of my days, I would be the only one lying in my coffin, with no one by my side. All the tears shed are just for show, nobody really care if someone is missing from their lives, they just move on and continue with their lives. It is just so common and normal for people to do that, humans are 100% selfish beings who care about nothing but themselves.

It ended before it even started

还没开始就已经结束

放下说来很简单，做来却很难。

还要多久，在夜里从脸上滑下的泪才能止住？
还要多久，他才能从思绪中消失，让我不再想起他？
还要多久，心痛的感觉才能平复，做回原来的自己？

当我正在为他而不能自己，他却对一切懵然不知。
或许我对他已超过喜欢，但那是爱吗？
我与他见面不过十数次，对于不是十分了解他的我，爱他吗？

我不愿再想，不愿再看也不愿再听。。。
就这样吧。。。
让我就此放弃，让自己解脱，还自己自由。。。
做回无忧无虑的我。。。

Thinking about him again...

It was a tough night trying to fall asleep yesterday, I tossed and turned till the first gleam of sunshine start to appear in the sky. All I can think of is him, about my plan to confess to him and what i would say to him.

I have wanted to end all this thing by the end of this year, but the plan has changed again. Maybe I should not break the current friendship between us and remained the way we are now. The more I think of it, the more I feel that the feelings is one sided, since it is not mutual I guess telling him how i feel would only injure our friendship.

Furthermore, he has someone that he like before? and I finally confirmed who the gal was. She was the gal that I have initially thought he like even way before he mentioned her to me, I believe that from now on I should trust my instinct more.

Judging from all the advices coming from friends, I think it is finally time to admit what they told me. If he did like me, then he would take up the initiatives to ask me out but he did not. I guess by telling others that he was a shy guy was just an excuse for me to feel better all along.

It has come to a time for me to decide if I should move on. There is no point for me to wait if there are no mutual feelings between us. My feeling for him has not fade but I think it is time for me to bury it deep down inside my heart and move on with my life.

At the same time, remaining as friend with him was too cruel for me, I don't know what i should do, I am lost and desperate for someone to guide me. However, I believe that I would pull through it someday, time is the cure for my heartache but how long it takes still remains a question.

美好的记忆

十一月二十一日，那是个炎热的一天，也是特别难忘的一天。

当太阳慢慢的落下，月儿的微笑悄悄的挂在漆黑的天空中，徐徐的晚风仿佛像是感染到我愉快的心情，把周围的一切都从潮湿又闷热的环境中解放，把闷闷的感觉一扫而空。

我像是踏在云端上，脚步轻快的走向我与他相约的地方。

这是我与他第一次单独的出去（应该不能定义为约会），我们约好一起吃晚餐然后看电影。对他而言这或许只是朋友之间吃饭，聚在一起聊天罢了，与以往一样并无任何不同。但对我而言那是特别的一夜。我享受着与他相处的每一分每一秒，就连我们彼此沉默时，那感觉也与众不同。

我的内心深切的期盼他能够知道我对他的想法，但我知道我可能就要离开此地，我与他之间有太多的障碍与距离，一切都宛如雾里看花，什么都不是真的。

虽然已经这样了，但我与他之间美好的回忆，我会好好的珍惜，好好的埋藏在我心里的最深处。盼望当时间过去，我与他还能够时常相约出去，如果我还在这里。。。

思绪

我踏出了第一步，可不知他晓不晓得。

我已从高昂的情绪中恢复过来，此时此刻想着顺其自然但又觉得似乎能够做些什么。。。

我与他之间是否能有我们的一天？

我并不敢奢望有这么一天因为我与他的距离是那么的遥远。。。

我不知他是怎么想但他对于我是特别的。。。

与他谈天是愉快，开心，舒服的。。。

整夜翻来覆去，望着窗外天空渐渐亮了，脑袋里的思绪满满的都是他。。。

他不知所措，腼腆，安静，就连傻傻的样子都在我的脑海里浮现，我忍不住微笑。。。

我想就只当朋友吧，不要强求，时间会证明一切吧。。。

一时感触

在想与不想，
做与不做之间，
总是不知如何取舍。

我该往何处去又该往何处走？

是该跟着心里所愿又或者是根据理智？

我迷惘，彷徨又无措。。。

到底什么是对什么是错，界限已不再那么清楚。。。

是否有个人能告诉我？

是否存在着一个方程式让我跟着做？

好让我的心不再那么乱。。。

One year pass by again

How fast time goes by, a year have passed so fast that even before I know what honours is about, i have already handed in my honours thesis.There left my presentation in Nov, hope I get good result for it...