Soul searching and depression mode

I am always happy or am I truly happy?
Am I happy just because of others or for myself?
Am I masking myself as a happy person so that people will like me more?
Why can't I just be a more selfish person and care less about other people feeling?
Why do I always have to act as if I would not be hurt by other people action and comment?

Now I stand by myself and realise that nobody is by my side, neither family nor friends.
Nobody bother about me and I can't help but think that I am a insignificant existence in the world that nobody will even notice if I am gone.

I have tried to express my need for help by reaching out to my closest people, but nobody in this world understand what I am going through right now. They think that I am just like my usual self, happy go lucky and nothing will happen even if they are too busy to bother about me. They just assumed that I will just pull it through by myself but this time round even I am not sure of myself. At this moment, I know I not suicidal but I am not sure about next.Maybe I am just a nuisance to them, I see myself alone in this world, in my own circle calling out for help but there are no answer. Neither from friends, family nor even god.

I am in deep shit this time round because I know that something is wrong with me, I can see myself falling into a deep depression mode, I can't stop myself wallowing in self pitiness. I have nothing in this world that I am looking forward to, I am just pretending to be happy in front of everyone so that I would not dampen their mood. Even right now, I am trying to be a nice person afraid to take up any one's time to tell them that I in a very bad emotional state now.

I am so tired and sick of myself, my life and everything around me, I just want to go away from everyone I know even my family, just give them up and go somewhere else where nobody knows me and lead a entirely new life. I don't want to care about what people think of me anymore, I don't want to live up to their expectation as to who they want me to be.

I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!!! WHY IS IT SO HARD???!!!

Why can't I lead a carefree life, free from other people's expectation and desire. Why do I have to sacrifice my own happiness to let other people happy.

Don't even try to act as if you guys care, because I know deep down in my heart, you don't care about me. You are only trying to act as if you care but only you know the truth, the truth is that everyone is selfish and your caring for me is nothing but a self satisfaction for yourself. Friends are the biggest joke in the world, family are the biggest burden in the world. Because at the end of my days, I would be the only one lying in my coffin, with no one by my side. All the tears shed are just for show, nobody really care if someone is missing from their lives, they just move on and continue with their lives. It is just so common and normal for people to do that, humans are 100% selfish beings who care about nothing but themselves.

It ended before it even started

还没开始就已经结束

放下说来很简单，做来却很难。

还要多久，在夜里从脸上滑下的泪才能止住？
还要多久，他才能从思绪中消失，让我不再想起他？
还要多久，心痛的感觉才能平复，做回原来的自己？

当我正在为他而不能自己，他却对一切懵然不知。
或许我对他已超过喜欢，但那是爱吗？
我与他见面不过十数次，对于不是十分了解他的我，爱他吗？

我不愿再想，不愿再看也不愿再听。。。
就这样吧。。。
让我就此放弃，让自己解脱，还自己自由。。。
做回无忧无虑的我。。。

Thinking about him again...

It was a tough night trying to fall asleep yesterday, I tossed and turned till the first gleam of sunshine start to appear in the sky. All I can think of is him, about my plan to confess to him and what i would say to him.

I have wanted to end all this thing by the end of this year, but the plan has changed again. Maybe I should not break the current friendship between us and remained the way we are now. The more I think of it, the more I feel that the feelings is one sided, since it is not mutual I guess telling him how i feel would only injure our friendship.

Furthermore, he has someone that he like before? and I finally confirmed who the gal was. She was the gal that I have initially thought he like even way before he mentioned her to me, I believe that from now on I should trust my instinct more.

Judging from all the advices coming from friends, I think it is finally time to admit what they told me. If he did like me, then he would take up the initiatives to ask me out but he did not. I guess by telling others that he was a shy guy was just an excuse for me to feel better all along.

It has come to a time for me to decide if I should move on. There is no point for me to wait if there are no mutual feelings between us. My feeling for him has not fade but I think it is time for me to bury it deep down inside my heart and move on with my life.

At the same time, remaining as friend with him was too cruel for me, I don't know what i should do, I am lost and desperate for someone to guide me. However, I believe that I would pull through it someday, time is the cure for my heartache but how long it takes still remains a question.

Why I don't celebrate my birthday?!

I remember that since young, I seldom celebrated my birthday with my friends.

The reason lies in the fact that I am a december baby. Well, you might ask and question that I can still hold a birthday party despite the fact that it is in december.

Well, this is what happened this year when all my friends tell me that I can still celebrate my birthday. Most of them went to other state for holiday, the rest: cant be confirmed yet. So i believe that the reason is self-explanatory, please stop telling me that I can still celebrate my birthday with friends, coz even you guys went for holiday despite telling me that I can host a celebration. So what's a celebration without friends, I would be better off spending it alone.

At least, I will still get a quiet night by myself instead of pinning up my hopes but to be let down again. No expectation equals to no dissappointment, which is so simple...

I guess sooner or later, I will no longer have any expectation coz then I will not be upset and affected by the surroundings...