Soul searching and depression mode

I am always happy or am I truly happy?
Am I happy just because of others or for myself?
Am I masking myself as a happy person so that people will like me more?
Why can't I just be a more selfish person and care less about other people feeling?
Why do I always have to act as if I would not be hurt by other people action and comment?

Now I stand by myself and realise that nobody is by my side, neither family nor friends.
Nobody bother about me and I can't help but think that I am a insignificant existence in the world that nobody will even notice if I am gone.

I have tried to express my need for help by reaching out to my closest people, but nobody in this world understand what I am going through right now. They think that I am just like my usual self, happy go lucky and nothing will happen even if they are too busy to bother about me. They just assumed that I will just pull it through by myself but this time round even I am not sure of myself. At this moment, I know I not suicidal but I am not sure about next.Maybe I am just a nuisance to them, I see myself alone in this world, in my own circle calling out for help but there are no answer. Neither from friends, family nor even god.

I am in deep shit this time round because I know that something is wrong with me, I can see myself falling into a deep depression mode, I can't stop myself wallowing in self pitiness. I have nothing in this world that I am looking forward to, I am just pretending to be happy in front of everyone so that I would not dampen their mood. Even right now, I am trying to be a nice person afraid to take up any one's time to tell them that I in a very bad emotional state now.

I am so tired and sick of myself, my life and everything around me, I just want to go away from everyone I know even my family, just give them up and go somewhere else where nobody knows me and lead a entirely new life. I don't want to care about what people think of me anymore, I don't want to live up to their expectation as to who they want me to be.

I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF!!! WHY IS IT SO HARD???!!!

Why can't I lead a carefree life, free from other people's expectation and desire. Why do I have to sacrifice my own happiness to let other people happy.

Don't even try to act as if you guys care, because I know deep down in my heart, you don't care about me. You are only trying to act as if you care but only you know the truth, the truth is that everyone is selfish and your caring for me is nothing but a self satisfaction for yourself. Friends are the biggest joke in the world, family are the biggest burden in the world. Because at the end of my days, I would be the only one lying in my coffin, with no one by my side. All the tears shed are just for show, nobody really care if someone is missing from their lives, they just move on and continue with their lives. It is just so common and normal for people to do that, humans are 100% selfish beings who care about nothing but themselves.

It ended before it even started

还没开始就已经结束

放下说来很简单，做来却很难。

还要多久，在夜里从脸上滑下的泪才能止住？
还要多久，他才能从思绪中消失，让我不再想起他？
还要多久，心痛的感觉才能平复，做回原来的自己？

当我正在为他而不能自己，他却对一切懵然不知。
或许我对他已超过喜欢，但那是爱吗？
我与他见面不过十数次，对于不是十分了解他的我，爱他吗？

我不愿再想，不愿再看也不愿再听。。。
就这样吧。。。
让我就此放弃，让自己解脱，还自己自由。。。
做回无忧无虑的我。。。

Thinking about him again...

It was a tough night trying to fall asleep yesterday, I tossed and turned till the first gleam of sunshine start to appear in the sky. All I can think of is him, about my plan to confess to him and what i would say to him.

I have wanted to end all this thing by the end of this year, but the plan has changed again. Maybe I should not break the current friendship between us and remained the way we are now. The more I think of it, the more I feel that the feelings is one sided, since it is not mutual I guess telling him how i feel would only injure our friendship.

Furthermore, he has someone that he like before? and I finally confirmed who the gal was. She was the gal that I have initially thought he like even way before he mentioned her to me, I believe that from now on I should trust my instinct more.

Judging from all the advices coming from friends, I think it is finally time to admit what they told me. If he did like me, then he would take up the initiatives to ask me out but he did not. I guess by telling others that he was a shy guy was just an excuse for me to feel better all along.

It has come to a time for me to decide if I should move on. There is no point for me to wait if there are no mutual feelings between us. My feeling for him has not fade but I think it is time for me to bury it deep down inside my heart and move on with my life.

At the same time, remaining as friend with him was too cruel for me, I don't know what i should do, I am lost and desperate for someone to guide me. However, I believe that I would pull through it someday, time is the cure for my heartache but how long it takes still remains a question.

Why I don't celebrate my birthday?!

I remember that since young, I seldom celebrated my birthday with my friends.

The reason lies in the fact that I am a december baby. Well, you might ask and question that I can still hold a birthday party despite the fact that it is in december.

Well, this is what happened this year when all my friends tell me that I can still celebrate my birthday. Most of them went to other state for holiday, the rest: cant be confirmed yet. So i believe that the reason is self-explanatory, please stop telling me that I can still celebrate my birthday with friends, coz even you guys went for holiday despite telling me that I can host a celebration. So what's a celebration without friends, I would be better off spending it alone.

At least, I will still get a quiet night by myself instead of pinning up my hopes but to be let down again. No expectation equals to no dissappointment, which is so simple...

I guess sooner or later, I will no longer have any expectation coz then I will not be upset and affected by the surroundings...

Festive season = good news =love in the air???

As the year is approaching to an end, the festive mood has begin to affect the people around me.

In this happy time of the year, love has also started to bloom and affect all my friends around me.

Love is in the air!!!

Recently, friends around me have either become attached or they have found the person that they think is special to them. I am not an exception however I am not that optimistic about the possibilities between me and my special guy.

The bad point of having friends that are attached: it is harder to ask either of them out since they have totally become like those inseparable twins on the news ( More like mission impossible). They can't live without each other for a single second. But nonetheless, I am happy for them but that would mean I would be left alone for more of the time, which is exactly what I don't need at this point in time. ( I am on a holiday now doing like nothing, seriously nothing. Coz those who know me should know that I wanted to do something but that someone leave me no chance to do anything.)

Firstly, he had yet to know how i feel about him (all my friends are telling me that if I don't tell, he won't know)

Secondly, he is so passive and shy. (I want to know him more but due to his shy nature, it is like really really hard, tough and difficult)

Thirdly, I am always the one asking him out. (I can't help but wonder if he like me anot, coz if he did then i suppose he would at least ask me out for once?)

Fourth,, I can't communicate with him in any form of virtual way!!! ( Yes, you must be wondering, but no: He does not used MSN!!! He goes on facebook but he turns the chat option off!!! I can only call him!!! And ya he must be wondering why do i always call to ask him about cooking!!! That is the only thing that i can think off that would not be awkward to talk about since I am super duper nervous when I call him on phone. HAIZ!!!)

Last but not the least since the list is always increasing everytime i tried to ask him out, He is always BUSY and occupied with things!!! (I tried my best to create chances but since due to his always full schedule, there is just no way and nothing I can do. What more do you expect me to do???!!!)So he would reply no and he can't make it because he is busy. But hey there, I know you are BUSY but could you at least just squeeze out sometime for me??? So all in all, all this point to the fact that he is not INTERESTED in me!!! Why did I even need to take so long to figure out this??? Such a sad fact.

But hope is not lose, some good news has also come into picture, I have just heard from my other friends in Singapore that 2 pair of my married friends are expecting their first child. That is like wow, at least there are still some good news appearing in my life.

Well, hopefully that is not the last piece of good news in this year, result is coming out on 2nd of Dec, I am expecting a first class honours for my result based on the average marks that were released earlier on however I will also be happy if I got a second upper class.

After all, I am not such a ambition person and I know that i do deserve a second upper when I compare my effort with my other friends. But then again, it is hard to compare when all of us have a different research topic :p.

Regardless, I still have this tiny little hope in me, thinking that when i confess to him, he can respond back in a positively way if not, I still wish that we can still be friend after that. ( And please stop asking me to confess to him fast coz it take alot of courage to do that, please let me be more sure of things before I do something stupid to jeopardize the relationship between me and him)

美好的记忆

十一月二十一日，那是个炎热的一天，也是特别难忘的一天。

当太阳慢慢的落下，月儿的微笑悄悄的挂在漆黑的天空中，徐徐的晚风仿佛像是感染到我愉快的心情，把周围的一切都从潮湿又闷热的环境中解放，把闷闷的感觉一扫而空。

我像是踏在云端上，脚步轻快的走向我与他相约的地方。

这是我与他第一次单独的出去（应该不能定义为约会），我们约好一起吃晚餐然后看电影。对他而言这或许只是朋友之间吃饭，聚在一起聊天罢了，与以往一样并无任何不同。但对我而言那是特别的一夜。我享受着与他相处的每一分每一秒，就连我们彼此沉默时，那感觉也与众不同。

我的内心深切的期盼他能够知道我对他的想法，但我知道我可能就要离开此地，我与他之间有太多的障碍与距离，一切都宛如雾里看花，什么都不是真的。

虽然已经这样了，但我与他之间美好的回忆，我会好好的珍惜，好好的埋藏在我心里的最深处。盼望当时间过去，我与他还能够时常相约出去，如果我还在这里。。。

思绪

我踏出了第一步，可不知他晓不晓得。

我已从高昂的情绪中恢复过来，此时此刻想着顺其自然但又觉得似乎能够做些什么。。。

我与他之间是否能有我们的一天？

我并不敢奢望有这么一天因为我与他的距离是那么的遥远。。。

我不知他是怎么想但他对于我是特别的。。。

与他谈天是愉快，开心，舒服的。。。

整夜翻来覆去，望着窗外天空渐渐亮了，脑袋里的思绪满满的都是他。。。

他不知所措，腼腆，安静，就连傻傻的样子都在我的脑海里浮现，我忍不住微笑。。。

我想就只当朋友吧，不要强求，时间会证明一切吧。。。

一时感触

在想与不想，
做与不做之间，
总是不知如何取舍。

我该往何处去又该往何处走？

是该跟着心里所愿又或者是根据理智？

我迷惘，彷徨又无措。。。

到底什么是对什么是错，界限已不再那么清楚。。。

是否有个人能告诉我？

是否存在着一个方程式让我跟着做？

好让我的心不再那么乱。。。

One year pass by again

How fast time goes by, a year have passed so fast that even before I know what honours is about, i have already handed in my honours thesis.There left my presentation in Nov, hope I get good result for it...

一个人

一个人吃饭，逛街，看电影。
一个人走走看看，停停歇息。

原以为已成习惯， 哪知当走在那回家的路上才知道心没自己想像中的坚强。

一个人走的路是自由，
一个人走的路是彷徨，
全看心的方向。

一个人的生活不需要向谁交待，
可又往往想要有个谁能交待。

可哪谁有些人一辈子都没找到。。。

老婆大人2之语录

这是我观赏老婆大人2时最爱的部分，在这里与你们分享：

聪明的女人，会希望嫁给一个爱她的男人。
愚蠢的男人，却以为会娶到一个爱他的女人。

女人总是希望自己成为男人的最后一个女人。
男人却希望自己是女人的第一个男人。

想看清楚一个女人的真面目，要在女人卸妆之后。
想看清楚一个男人的真面目，要在大家分手之后。。。

成功的男人，要赚到比女人花得更多的金钱。
成功的女人，总是能够找到一个这样的男人。。。

男人愿意付双倍价钱买他想要的东西。
女人往往付一半的价钱买她根本不需要的东西。

女人一直担心将来，直到她找到老公。
男人从不担心将来，直到他找到老婆。

男人逛公司，是要买下他想买的东西。
女人逛公司，她要看看她还有什么东西可以买下。

有些男人认定结婚是爱情的坟墓。
有些女人却认定结不了婚，爱情就会死无葬身之地。

男人只会重视一个女人的现在。
女人却会重视一个男人的将来。

男人最多话说的时候，总是他醉之后。
女人最多话说的时候，总是在她结婚之后。

结婚前，男人总是熬到半夜之后，才愿意离去。
结婚后，女人却是要熬到半夜之后，才等到男人回来。

女人不应和男人动手，因为你绝对打不过他。
男人不应和女人动手，因为打女人的绝对没有资格称为男人。

女人失去爱情，会感到极度空虚。
男人得到爱情，会感到疲于奔命。

女人若把男人当成朋友，往往是恋爱的开始。
男人若把女人当成朋友，往往开始忘记她是个女人。

女人喜欢一个男人，不必要什么理由。
男人喜欢一个女人，却要想出千个理由，好应付她日后不断追问。

男人要女人等，就不会是个好男人。
女人要男人等，虽然没什么大不了，却要当心男人未必有耐心等那么久。

男人酒醉之后，会想女人，而且往往不只一个。
女人酒醉之后，会想男人，但往往只有一个，就是抛弃了她的那个坏男人。

恋爱中的男人，总想把事情复杂简单化。
恋爱中的女人，总想把事情简单复杂化。

男人希望恋爱，是因为空闲，结果得到了烦躁。
女人希望恋爱，是因为好奇，结果得到了失望。

男人征服全世界后，可以赢得女人。
女人征服男人后，可以赢得全世界。

男人让女人出主意，是他心知女人不会让他出主意。
女人让男人出主意，是她想知道男人能否猜出她的真正心意。

女人们聊天，总是谈论着她们得到的男人。
男人们聊天，总是谈论着他们得不到的女人。

对女人而言，化妆品的另一个名字叫“信心”。
对男人而言，化妆品的另一个名字叫“骗局”。

男人最喜欢听话的女人。
女人却喜欢听她说话的男人。

对男人而言，爱情只是生命中的插曲。
对女人而言，爱情却是生命中的主题曲。

个人觉得其中的一些句子的的确确反应了男人与女人在思想上的差异，但又不乏些许幽默。

Laziness

To all of my friend:

Pardon me for not updating for so long, I been lazy these couple of months.

Ok, yaya, i rephrase my sentence, i been lazy for whole of my life. Haha...

But I promised to update whenever I want to do so. Hehe...

Between, i have been busy with my honours year with all the report, attending seminar and preparing slides for presentation.

By the way, to whoever is coming this May/June, i might be only joining you guys for maybe like 2 to 3 days of the whole journey as i think i will be pretty much busy with growing plants.

Yes!!! growing plants is what i do now coz my damn PCR is not working. Got to optimise that before anything else so the growing need to come in May/June.

But do take care all my friend, i miss u guys and hope to see you guys next year.